Me, Myself and I

90 % of all communication is non-verbal.
Doesn’t it make you wonder?

I’ve always been faced with the fact that most people find me aggressive, stubborn, hardheaded and selfish.
I never could really tell why and sometimes I still do question the reasons behind that.
I’ve always been a silent, selfless, easy-going, fun-loving character; or so I taught. Non-the-less, it was the purpose of my behavior. Why is it that people insisted on accusing me of all that and why was I the constant target to their judgment and criticism, why was I such a victim?

So I made a pact with myself to do what I want, when I wanted and not to care anymore about what others might think of me. My actions really conveyed the message taken already by other people. I stopped all trials of compassion and understanding. Mainly I took it upon the people who really care about me and I hurt them real bad. For a while there, a very short while, I felt liberated and I felt content with the way I was. That was till I woke up one day alone.

So I decided to stop the bull I was going trough and give myself a second shot at life with my old attitude back to surface. When others still conveyed the same message throughout the different stages of my life, that’s when it hit me.
It’s always been about me: I was the one who made the choices, I was the one who sought the answers, I was the one who analyzed them, and I was the one whom has always been involved with my self-preservation. I was all about me and have always been no matter how much I fooled myself trough selfless acts which I chose to perform, no matter how many times I convinced myself that I gave my self interests up for others enjoyment.

The question still remained. I do see where people are coming from, I do understand where I stand: but how could they get that idea and how could all of those around me see right trough me when I myself could not?

That’s when I chose to take a step back and keep an open eye upon everything around me.
I could see the true selfless. I could see the true easy-goers. I could see the true fun-lovers.
I could see them all, but I couldn’t see myself amongst them no more. I saw how fake I was. And for the first time ever I saw past the man in the mirror. I saw the baby within me with a constant cry for attention; I could see the spoiled brat whom always longed to get what he wanted trough hypocrisy; I could see the young lad whom tried to trick everybody including himself to grasp his adolescence fantasies of importance and special treatment.

You know, Love could be the cruelest of all feelings. It’s the thinnest line you could cross to take you up or break you. If you let love take you it will break you. Take it, embrace it, love it, and it can save you.

Here’s a fact that most people neglect. The dearest person to anyone’s heart is himself. If you neglect him, he hits back without notice and with no warning, trough your tongue, your taught, your heart, your limbs, or any other parts which has been neglected and understated by you. It will give you up and so will everyone else.
Love yourself you will love your life and everything in it.

Here’s a statement which I heard on a religious debate once but never really got the essence of it up till now:
“Inna li nafsika 3alayka hak”
Translation:
“Your self has upon you some rights”
God has created us as homogeneous beings for a reason. He has given us every bit we need to coexist with ourselves and has given us all the tools to help us trough life: body and soul. Each has its needs and each helps the other to reach its goals. Neglect the need of one you will automatically be neglecting the other’s necessities.

That’s how I turned up to be an involuntary control freak with such a big lack of self-control that I lashed out on controlling others.
That’s what revealed my true inner evil to others. That’s what I regret and what I long to deal with.

I don’t want to be a victim of my own self-destruction anymore.
I got myself there. I will have to pull myself out.

Peace of mind, peace in life. Here I come.